No Contest

Letting go and being still can be so freeing.

I've had an epiphany.

I'm dropping out of the rat race once and for all, and I hope to always remember I've made that choice.

I mean, sure... I haven't been working in a conventional job for quite some time now, and I never was a big believer in that entire set-up even as a child. However, until just a few minutes ago, I realized something about how I've been operating.

Following yet another high-strung reaction that's been coming up as a defense mechanism after something I do or did has been questioned, I felt drained; finally I was tired after responding in this way one time too many. This was my signal to explore what, on a deeper level, could actually be going on aside from people criticizing me a little too frequently for my liking (ego coming through!).

It just hit me how I've been doing practically everything in life as a means to get ahead. No wonder I created a personal reality reflecting that experience of "not quite making it yet" back to me. After all, I was subconsciously coming from the place of not having arrived at my destination yet, hence I've been pushing myself to work very hard. It's true that I've been engaging in activities I love, but I'd turned them into mere chores and routine eventually. What helped me finally realize this and see it as clear as day are my defensive reactions. These led me to ask myself, "What is there to defend?" as that is how I'd been unconsciously leading my life.

Of course, the answer to that is: Nothing. I am who I am and that's the end of it.

I don't have to prove to myself that I am better than anything else out there because we're all awesome in our own ways. I know these concepts intellectually, as you may too, but hey... Familiarity blindness had crept up on me.

So yes... As long as I remember that it is so, life is simply to be enjoyed, even as I go about what I consider "important" tasks. There is no race here. No contest.


Wishing you all the best,
~Lea